breeding envy

Just saw pictures of an ex schoolmate with her bundles of joy. Plural. The woman has three kids and she actually looks happy; a little tired but happy. A slight pang of envy arose and I wonder if I had really married my first girlfriend, took on a boring but serious 9 – 5 job, I’d be that happy too with our artificial inseminated child. I thought about the things one needs to sacrifice for children and decided, I don’t love the idea of having a child enough. Singular. Not being at a place where I feel I’m mentally secure enough to deal with a screaming baby reminds me that I’m not ready for one despite how beautiful the idea may be. This isn’t some sequinned top I can return after rethinking, it’s another person’s life that I can never stop sacrificing for once it’s here. So kudos to my breeding friends who gave up hopes and dreams to bear children. Really. That takes balls.